It was distressing this week to hear, at the opening of the Inquiry, of the ongoing traumatisation of children, which included reports of:
- A child hiding under a table not wanting to go to school
- A child constantly looking over their shoulder when outside
- A child very frightened by loud noises or sudden movements
- The alarm of a parent that there was no adult around to assist their child
About the same time as the murders, the 2nd edition of my self-help book ‘Moving On After Trauma’ was published by Routledge. In it I suggested that there is no need for victims to relive the trauma, rather to gradually behave as they did before the trauma. These can be seen as ‘dares’, and to most children are what makes life fun. It is ‘daring’ to get back to your old self. For both children and adults, it’s not possible to be your ‘old self’ without beginning to do what you did before the trauma.
The good news is that there can be ‘normal service’, but for many it feels ‘spoilt’ by the flashbacks and nightmares. The best that can be done is to insist that these intrusions don’t have the last word. Just blocking the memories, gives at most temporary relieve, the harder the memories are pushed away the stronger they return, as if on an elastic band. But the intrusions gradually lose their power if the person can say they are not relevant to what I’m doing today. The only purpose of the intrusions is to daily ask whether the memory is relevant to today, it is only the mind asking a question for possible protection. The vividness of the memories does not make them relevant. For a child they can be seen as a ‘bully’ who they are not going to get involved with ‘better things to do’. Or as a ‘sore’ that they mustn’t pick at, lest the inflammation becomes worse than the sore.
Parental guilt can get out of control when harm comes to your child, ‘my job is to protect them’. It can lodge in your gut even though you know you have done nothing wrong. Trying to cut it out seems to make it worse. It is a bogus guilt, unlike true guilt, were you can see the negative consequences of something and do it anyway. This bogus, trauma-related guilt is best dealt with as a ‘mental cold’, ignoring the discomfort as you would a cold when you have to work. Over time the guilt feeling fades but you can’t hurry it along. If you are not careful with this you can develop a ‘prejudice’ against yourself, which like all ‘prejudices’ gets in the way. Don’t become ‘bigoted’ against yourself.
Hope this helps
Dr Mike Scott